Everyday We Grow A Little

Yeah, I said "We". The baby is growing...getting a little bigger and fatter everyday. He's a chunky little thing. I have several pairs of jeans for him that fit as far as the length goes, but not around his waist. One pair I liked so much I thought I'd dress him fat-man style, fastening the pants under his belly giving him a pair of low-riders. That doesn't work with babies, though. #1, SOME of the pants wouldn't even fit over his chunky thighs, but the real problem is that low-rider jeans that aren't meant to be low-riders reveal a generous amount of the...ahem....rear crevasse, and with babies that is a bad bad thing. Don't pretend you don't know what I mean!

Yesterday he squealed in delight for the first time. Mommy was smiling at him and he was smiling back, in that huge, open-mouthed grin of his and he let out a happy little shriek. It was awsome. I know he'll start laughing any day now. I really think he wants to laugh, he just doesn't know how yet.

As for me, I'm growing too. I've asked myself how I managed to get into the position I am now, concerning Charles. I stayed with him as long as I did because I thought he was a nice guy. I wasn't in to him emotionally, or even physically, really....but I was reeling after dating a string of jerks and I was afraid that I was terminally attracted to the type...the liars, the cheaters, the users....So even though my gut told me almost instantly that Charles wasn't right for me and I never really got all that emotionally invested, I stayed with it because I didn't want to be That Girl who always dates the losers.

In spite of all my efforts, a loser is what I got. And ultimately, he turned out to be so far worse than anyone else I had ever encountered, that the bad stuff the others did seems trivial by comparison. That actually goes for a lot of things other people did. I have held on to anger and bitterness for years over "wrongs" that have been done to me by people I let myself trust. However, looking back through the glasses of experience of being involved with someone TRULY morally deficiant, all that other stuff just doesn't seem worth my anger anymore. I have managed to let go of a lot of those feelings and finally forgive people in my life who have hurt me by being human and flawed.

I've asked myself what lesson I keep failing to learn that I can keep ending up as a victim to someone else's dishonesty. Then I decided what I need to know is how to prevent it from happenin again. I think I can start with listening to myself and trusting my instincts. The next mistake is trusting people and taking what they say on face value. There is no room in life for giving the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that was possible once, but not anymore.

It sounds depressing, but it isn't really. My growth is realizing how I can change MYSELF so that OTHERS can not cause me such grief in the future.

New Pics!

New pics of Connor in the photo album. Check 'em out!

Is Connor Black?

Nanny's view of Connor as a "black baby" made me think about the race thing. I guess I don't really see him that way.

What defines mixed-race children as one race or the other? Why is Obama considered a black man? His African features?

Personally I don't think Connor has African features, although this may change over time. He is more brown than I am, certainly, but I honestly don't think you could instantly judge the race of the father by looking at the son....and it isn't that I would mind if Connor did look African, I just don't think he DOES.

Is it a cultural thing? Connor will be raised by his white mother, the only family he will know is his white family, and since the majority of my friends are white he won't really be exposed to a lot of non-white culture on a day-to-day basis until he gets to school.

If Obama, who is only half of one thing can be called that thing, wouldn't it apply that Connor, also half, could be called another? Who makes the rules on what you are?

I find it kind of funny that there is a little girl in Connor's daycare room that is also mixed white/black. She has the African features and curly hair, but her skin is much much paler than his. Genetics is a funny thing!

One thing I DO know is that Connor is a beautiful little boy, and the rest just doesn't really matter.

I don't know why it bothers me, but it does

It eats at me the things that were said to me, and that I was too shocked at the overwhelming WRONGNESS of it all that I couldn't actually formulate the deserved retort at the time of the attack. Not that anything I would have said could have mattered. What REALLY irks me is that with these people, there is no right answer. There is no way to win. You can't fight someone who embraces their illogic and undeserved self-righteousness with utter conviction. It's like trying to build a stone house on water.

What I want to know is why I keep running into these people over and over again. Do I attract them? Is there some life lesson that I am missing out on here?

I think ultimately what I have learned is that I should NEVER ever ever ever ignore my gut instinct again. I swore I wouldn't last time, and I did, and this is the result. I'll know, from now on that my gut should be like my Bible and Divine Guide.

I called Charles today to see if he had cancelled the paternity form, and to see if he had contacted his lawyer, and I was curious if he had gotten the results of the DNA test back yet. Jill suggested that CoCoPuff (the crazy girlfriend) might have tampered with the swab so I wanna know what comes back. I mean *I* have no doubts as to who the father is, so I know what SHOULD come back. In a moment of...insanity, I guess, I asked him if he REALLY believed that Connor wasn't his son. He said "Well, that's not why I wanted it, I wanted to have that if I was going to go through the courts" and I said, "Yes, but do you think he is your son?" He responded: "I'm not sure, but it didn't matter...I loved him....er...love him, and so I didn't care"

When it came to the lawyer, he told me that he had some more stuff to sort out and would contact me Monday. It worries me because I DO wonder if he is going to go through with the termination of rights....and if he doesn't, maybe it is a good thing because maybe it means he is telling the truth when he says he loves Connor....but it means trying to find a way to work with people...one who is inherently dishonest, even with himself, and another who is a fruitloop.

Still, it annoys the hell out of me that he would question whether Connor is his son. I don't deserve that, and did nothing to earn the doubt.

The Great Thing About Small Businesses

As a consumer I would guess that 90% of my money is spent at large chains...it's just what is available these days. However, I recently discovered the benefit of small businesses to the consumer. The words "I am taking my business elsewhere" actually has some weight.

I was very upset with Connor's daycare. In the two days he had been there I watched the webcam and saw what I had feared...he wasn't being held or interacted with at all. They left him in his crib or in a swing all day, his only human contact was someone changing his diaper or poking his paci in his mouth. The final straw was today when I checked on him and saw that they weren't even holding him to feed him. They had him sitting in a bouncy seat with a bottle held to his face. That is no way to feed a baby! I called and asked for the owner. I gave my name and said "I recently enrolled my son there, but now I want what I need to do to withdraw him" The woman I spoke to, the owner, was disraught. She asked what was wrong. I pointed out that I was watching on the web cam at that moment while my son was NOT being held for a feeding...when being held for feeding was something I had specifically requested. She went in the room RIGHT THEN and told the lady to pick him up. She also told her he was to be held for all future feedings. When she came back she told me that it was a mistake and wouldn't happen again. I expressed concern that even if he was being held for feedings he still wasn't getting any interaction. She promised me that she would check on him several times a day herself, to make sure he wasn't being neglected.

I've been watching today, and she kept her word. Several times I saw her go in there and pick him up when he was crying. The offending feeder has also reformed, as several times when I peeked on the cam he was in her arms being stroked and cuddled.

I feel a lot better now about him being in daycare, and I am glad I didn't take him to one of those huge chain daycares where they wouldn't have cared about losing my business.

Every Day, In Every Way, It's Getting Better and Better....

Connor will soon be 2 months old. In a few short weeks so much of my life and what I thought about myself has changed in a veryt short amount of time.

Misconception#1 - What I can endure

Before Connor, I couldn't handle invasive doctor's exams, I had never fasted more than 12 hours successfully, and I had never gone more than 48 hours without sleep. As a woman, I am a mere mortal. As a mother, I suddenly have an ability to do things I never thought possible.

Misconception #2 - Modesty above all else

Anyone know knows me knows I am fairly neurotic when it comes to nudity. Gotta keep all the sensitive bits under wraps unless I am in a situation where I wouldn't invite my mother. In a few short weeks I've gotten comfortable with popping the boobs out in front of pretty much anyone. They aren't boobs to me so much anymore as they are my baby's lunch.

Misconception#3 - I will never, ever be a co-sleeping parent

Ha! This is a good one! So I had a choice. I could put the baby down properly in his bassinet at night and keep my squishy king-sized bed to myself...and wake every 3 hours on the dot, pull him out of his bassinet, take him to the livingroom, feed him while watching a little tv, rock him back to sleep, put him back to bed and then lie awake for several more minutes before *I* can get back to sleep, only to jump at every little cough and grunt he makes, leaning up to check to see if he is still breathing or is having another choking event....

OR I could sleep with him in my recliner, knowing he is ok because I am able to hold him in the proper position and I can feel and hear him breathing...and because he is warm and cosy he wakes every 4-5 hours instead of every 3...and when I put him just right in the chair I can sleep while he feeds, burp him, lay him back on my chest and go back to sleep almost instantly.

So my options were to not co-sleep and therefore, not sleep, or put a baby on my chest and finally get some rest.

It was actually an easy choice.