Sunday, February 22, 2009

I Knew Becoming A Parent Would Change Me....

...but I was unprepared for exactly how profound that change would be.

I had a nightmare last night. The world was coming to an end...not sure why. Perhaps the sun was in supernova, or something like that. The gist is, all humanity was about to be wiped out...except there was this man. A mad man, a serial killer, who said he could save a few by opening a portal into another dimension and sending a ship through. By ship, I mean space ship of course. The only problem was, the man was disincorporated....he existed, but had no body. At some point in the dream he took Connor's body (because he was the only baby handy) and changed it into that of an adult male that looked exactly like the serial killer's old body. When I realized what had been done I asked the man if he could go back, if he could give me back my son. If Connor was still in there somewhere. He told me yes, at first, and pretend to be Connor trying to communicate with me...and then he told me no, Connor was gone forever. I wasn't sure if I believed him so I set out to try and find a way to extract him. However, the people around me who were frantically preparing to be sent to another dimension tried to stop me because they didn't want anything to interfere with their chance to escape certain death.

It wasn't long after that when I woke up. So here's the thing. I've always valued life...except my own. If sacrificing myself to save others were necessary, I would have done it. Maybe I would have hesitated...I'm not a saint...but I would have done it. Now? I'm not so sure. These days I find I WANT to live. I need to be here for my take care of him and raise him.

Of course, if sacrificing myself would save HIM, that I would do without hesitation. Here is the big one though. I thought about it this morning...if I would sacrifice Connor to save all of humanity? If every man, woman, and child's life depended on me handing him over and it would save them all...I still don't think I could do it. Even knowing that by refusing, he would probably die anyway as all humanity was destroyed...I think I would rather be holding him and us go out together than WILLINGLY give him up to save billions of other lives.

So yeah, I knew that becoming a parent would change me...but I never once suspected that some of my core values could be altered in such a profound way.

On a completely unrelated note...CUTE BABY VIDEO!


L+L=E said...

It's bizarre isn't it? This little person who one day will think and do for his or herself and right now, the parent is so responsible for every part of them. They can't communicate except on elementary levels and won't even BE aware that advanced communication is possible for years...(some adults I know are still unaware :-/)

When I think of this, what comes to mind are parents trying to force ideas and desires on their children because they know what's best. I always wondered what made them do that...

It just proves the cliche: "you won't understand until you're a parent"

Nana said...

I so understand both of what your saying. Let me tell you a secret, it does not matter how old your children get, you will always feel the same way. Always willing to give ur life for your child no matter what. One more thing, u always want the best for your child again no matter their age. Remember this ole saying when they are little they step on ur toes, when they are older they step on your heart. And you wonder how in the world this child I love so much and have given my very blood and life for how could they hurt me so much and even think for one less than a second that i have not always loved them with all my heart, soul, and being. Knowing this is half the battle, just try not to take them to seriously and know they love you no matter how they behave.